That was March. I was suffering from the poor project management and designer’s whimsical feature requirements. I started sending resumes and taking interviews and really got one position before the Qingming break. It was the best decision I made in Daydream Games. Now I don’t need to deal with the tightened project timeline and other nonsense. It disappointed me that this game company did not want a technical artist but a cheap labor....
Here I am. Writing about my depression. It’s coming back to me. I almost believed that I do not need to write my dprs series anymore, because I did not feel depressed and anxious often. Nevertheless, they all jump back and hit me hard in the last several weeks. The reason might be the job hunting, the anger towards the gov, the uncertainty, the nightmares, the longing, the lonesomeness, the irregular eating habit....
特别焦虑。因为毕业，离别，XIV三重压迫。 首先毕业要考虑可能性无限接近于零的美帝就业以及 finals。我已经放弃了毕业典礼和长袍，也没打算照毕业照。14 号我就开始火车旅行。这样也增加了更多的事情要做，预定车票和 airbnb 真是很麻烦。 然后是离别。差不多六年的美帝生活就要结束，还是很难接受的。说走就走，我还没那么随性。 再来是 XIV 的 Shadowbringers 在 6/28 就开始。XIV 是我接触到的最好的 MMO，也因此入了 FF 系列 和 SE 的坑。想去 SE 工作。真的想去。真的真的想去。大家都想去 Blizzard，Apple，Google，我就想去 SE。 这种又是紧张，又是伤心，又是期待的心情混在一起真的很不好受。 wont ShB 的 trailer zhong，Y’shtola(Master Matoya) 说了这么一句话： “Deny? I am not wont to run from my troubles. " 这个 “wont” 我是真的没听出来。我的听到的是“I’m not the one who runs from troubles”。大脑自动纠错。 wont 意味 “in the habit of doing something”。也就是“习惯性的（做出动作）”。 Y’shtola 是在说不会逃避问题，而不是说 WoD。 emote 我从没想过 XIV 里的 emote 有什么需要讨论的。但是 Zepla HQ 的新作品 review 了 ShB 中新增加种族的 emote，very inspiring....
I’m afraid of the night because of nightmares. I have been having them since I was diagnosed as having depression. My dream contains a continent of bizarreness. Strange and perplexing things dwell on it. The unpredictable horror disguised in various forms comes to me every night. Soon, they escape and vanish in the air in the morning. Only the unsettling feeling tells that how ill it was at last night....
鹰丘和椿泉让我意识到这个世界比我预期的更加现实主义。我认定自己已经远离了通往更加高明的道路。现在回头看去，那些我所羡慕过的事物全都是一碰就碎的水中月亮，都不如一只马克笔和一间空教室来得真实。起码我还能写能算，能用电脑播放背景音乐。 Knox 已经开始成形。最好的结果是他像过去的那些人一样最终完全脱离。但是我认为这一次不会那么顺利。 我觉得我做的挺好的，还没死就挺好的。就是特别想睡。 我觉得到目前为止我对 depression 做的还行。 都不需要写大段大段的文字了，但是还是特别特别的疼。 但是如果现在父母飞过来看我，我会崩溃的，并且在他们离开后就去死。